Von Högge's Horrible Pig Beast

"It wuz 'orrible Sir, I swears it! It wuz as tall as an 'ouse and all bejowelled and warty and lumpsome, and it 'ad these big 'orrible jaws anna tongue like… like a big old tongue! Me an' Pairts an' Giblet Harry, we wuz poking inna swamp for roots an' bits ov dead fellas wot weren't completely bloated wot for to serve up inna stew for your majestyness, when it came up from the muck wivva roar like wot I never did ever hear before, an' it smelt 'orrible, like wot Decomposing Steve smelled when 'ee woz left out summer last! And the worst, most horriblest fing woz it woz been ridden by these free fellas on its back inna basket, and they woz pokin' an' proddin' wiv sticks and they woz cacklin' summink fierce, like they woz divvils! It wuz an 'arbingger of deff and slimesome doom! I swears yer nobbliness, it woz like that, an' it ate up Giblet Harry before we could say "'ere, that big 'orrible pig fing 'as gobblered up Giblet Harry!" an' that's the troof!"

- Defence statement in the trial of Pvt. Wonkyleg Cheeser. He and his codefendant, Pvt. Veriprivate Pairts, were sentenced to ten months hard labour, followed by death on the wheel, for cowardice in the face of a clearly fictional enemy.